Day 1 of my self help journey πŸ™‚

So I did it I got up and I followed through with my trip but there actually is reason to this trip and some might think I’m crazy but we all thought that anyway 😊 this trip I’m currently on my way too was actually to try and reconcile with what I thought was my soul mate . We both agreed I would come over and try and leave everything behind us , so I booked the tickets and within 24 hours there was another argument over literally everything that’s happened in the last 7 month and how I kept leaving , now I’m kinda pretty sure this was engineered as we have done nothing but argue since the day I asked to go to his house months ago , dodgy I know but apparently it’s all in my head πŸ™„ Anyway I thought fuck it and fuck you I have 1st class no refundable tickets I’m fucking going so I book myself a little hotel and think do you know what I need some time away from everything and everyone I have been breaking far too much lately and my kids need a strong mum not a sad idiot .

So the day arrived ( today ) in the last 24 hours iv had messages of how we should be making memories and how much he loved me and how much I’m basically a dark cloud over his life so think this is it this is the cut off point I know I will let go if I do this so I give him the option to be at the other end when I get off the train because in my head if you truly love someone you would never stop trying especially if that person’s literally on your doorstep ,but I received messages again of how much he loved me BUTT !!!BLAH BLAH BLAH so I new the answer to it and I know when I get off this train and he’s not stood there I will let go bit drastic I know but I will no it was all lies and I will know my future was right and be able to move on knowing I deserve better , think I’m in some kinda sick fairy fucking tail anyway I’m currently sat on my train eating lemon drizzle with my head phones on tears running down my face praying to every god there is that this little trip is going to work πŸ™Œ I live a fucking eventful life ha one day I will just be happy 😊

Update!!!! I am here and just as I expected he wasn’t there I won’t lie my heart is shattered but now I know I wasn’t worth it and it’s now time to let go , I also got lost and ended up in morrisons anyway after a nice walk round in circles I finally found my b&b and it turns out I’m the onky guest and have a full house to myself 😊 can cry as loud as I fucking want now , so Friday night and iv decided a nice walk to the beach then back to relax in bed ready for a full day of god knows what tomorrow x

UPDATE !! Still day 1 and it seems I have made the biggest mistake of my life but I guess I can say I tried . After sitting in front of the sea for hours with everything going through my head I decided to go back and I lay there and all I could feel was my heart breaking I decided to try one last message and he finally decided to come and see me but again it was to late it seems iv hurt him to much and he wouldn’t believe me when I said I wouldn’t and it dawned on me I was in a place I didn’t want ro be anymore my heart had been crushed like iv never felt before but nothing I said was good enough I guess I wasn’t good enough , I was hoping to give you all a 4 day holiday fun journal but I guess I’m not even good enough to do that because I couldn’t handle being in the same place as the person I loved so I got myself back on a train and am currently in bits writing this shit which Is supposed to help me but isn’t all I know is that the second I stepped back on this train was the second I new it was fully over and that there was no going back so I guess it was an ending holiday if anything I won’t bore you all anymore πŸ‘

Published by kimbokslice

just ypur average moaning human

One thought on “Day 1 of my self help journey πŸ™‚

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