My heart hurts right now

I wish I was writing about how iv finally found happiness or how I’m happy that I found my forever but unfortunately not , for a moment I did think I had all these and then bit by bit it took pieces of me away that I never thought I’d let happen again but Ivvlearnt a valuable lesson , no matter how strong stubborn closed off and feisty you are you don’t het to choose who you fall in love with and that’s exactly what happened .

So I’m quite a private person when it comes to relationships or how I’m actually feeling about that type of stuff but right now my heart really hurts and I know writing helps me so thought I’d come back and give it a try .

6 months ago I was just going about my business finally content with life just being my usual nobhead self thinking I was winning the world by being truly happy and I noticed someone who actually made me laugh with a imagination what even made me feel normal 😅 which turned my head rapidly and if im honest I really find it hard to like someone because of how guarded I am but this didn’t feel hard this felt natural and I didn’t think twice about the situation , anyway it was me I actually slid in to his dms 😳 haha and so began the talking and the laughing and then came the looking at the phone just to check if he had messaged me , we started speaking on the phone all the time we could be asking how each others day was and before I knew it it was hours later he was shit at flirting but the best bit was so was I haha which made it more interesting I think we had a lot in common apart from he lived exercise and I loved kit kats 🤷‍♀️ but I liked thinking about him exercising if that counts haha anyway we finally decided on a date and I felt nerves luke I haven’t felt in over ten years again I try and ignore these kinda feeling because I’m kim and I don’t need anybody 🙄 anyway we had our first date and tbf the food was wank but the setting and the company was amazing fire burning snowing outside like something out of a movie and all I remember thinking is ffs he’s gorgeous funny and cam hold eye contact what could make a desert wet 🤣 sorry , anyway the date was finished and he finally went in for the kiss and wow when people say they can feel sparks , I new exactly what they meant , never in my whole existence had anybody ever made me feel like that by just kissing me and looking back now that is the exact moment I fell in love crazy I know the next few months sadly wasn’t the same we had lots of good times and I won’t lie when we was good we was amazing he made me feel more in love than I have in my life but when we argued it was toxic don’t get me wrong I’m probably to blame for lots of things but bit by bit my heart started to become drained and hurt the constant being told what I was thinking or why I was doing stuff and feeling like my feelings wasn’t being listened to my insecurities kicking in what wasn’t made to feel better and no matter what I said if it wasn’t what he thought then it surely couldn’t be true or matter and I didn’t help by ecerytine this happened I left and said it was over and I know I’m wrong for this but I struggle to deal with emotions and the thought of getting hurt just makes me run and again I know I’m wrong but it really was just a safety reaction as I’d been hurt before and was terrified of this happening but when this was explained I was just told that I’m a cruel person or that I had aggenders and did it on purpose like I didn’t feel anything which couldn’t be further from the truth but I guess he will never know that now

One of my big insecurities was that he had another life and this was for many reasons such as he always came to me, never his he stopped me posting on social media about us on my birthday and other stuff and I ended up feeling like I was always the one waiting around to see if he could see me or if he was too busy for me it was always when he could come and that was really taking its toll on me and my mind became my worst enemy anyway last week he finally asked me to go to his house and I was so excited as I thought this would finally put my mind at rest but at the back of my mind I new there was going to end up being an argument which I’d be blamed for so I couldn’t go and just that happened I sent a message saying that I was feeling a bit shitty and that I feel my feelings are being played with all to get one back saying I don’t know why you would feel like that I will ring you later which hurt me because once again I felt like I had to wait around for him to make me feel better and I couldn’t cope with feeling like that so I replied saying I would speak to him tomorrow and took control of my own feelings anyway the next day I messaged saying morning and are you ok to get a message saying how pissed of he was with me for doing that and that I did it because I was going out I tried explaining this wasn’t the case but as usual what I say and what he thinks are true are 2 different things and what I say doesn’t count and I knew this was it here’s the argument so I don’t have to come up not that he had any intentions of having me there anyway , and I broke my heart broke because I new I new my insecurities was right that gut feeling must be right and he ignored me the whole day which is what I’d just took the shit for but that was OK because it was him doing it , anyway my heart had finally had enough and I new right then I had to leave because my heart couldn’t take no more and what did I get , a message saying how he can’t believe iv done all this and how it’s staged 🤦‍♀️ that man didntbknow that behind that phone is a broken women who’s heart feels like it’s been ripped out of her chest feeling like she doesn’t want to do anything or speak to anyone because I didn’t feel I could feel this hurt again I didn’t think I could love like this but here I am broken I wish things would of been different and I wish it was like the other times I walked away in anger but this time I walked away empty and sad and not able to take anymore arguments like I said I know half is probably my fault but none of it matters anymore and iv learnt a valuable lesson and that’s to go into hiding 🤦‍♀️ haha iv just realised iv literally just gone on and on ain’t I but like I said my writing helps and if anything it just goes to show you never know what anyone’s going through if you looked at my social media you would just see a happy nobhead and that’s what I want you to see but everyone has silent battles and I’m going through one right now 🤷‍♀️ anyway il shut up now and go back into my shell

Peace out bitches ❤️