Well i never thought id be sat here writing this and especially on a Friday night without a drink in my hand , how times change but do not worry that will be back .
last week i wrote one of my blogs named the end, little did i know i was actually writing what had been going on in my own life , i actually wrote it because i was starting to see people put things for likes and attention and all i could think is wow what about the people who really don’t feel like they can say something or what about the people who do say something and end up being missed amongst the shit and for some unknown reason at that point it really hit a nerve , i was projecting my own feelings into my writing so buckle up bitches shits about to get real dark and this one is about me im not writing it to help others although i hope it does but im writing this to try and explain what’s happened and i kn ow i dont have to but i find writing helps ME
I am annoyingly good at knowing my own feelings when i need to i build barriers fuck me iv got walls longer than the great wall of china but im also good at saying fuck it and pushing them feelings to the side and thinking im a bad ass bitch who needs nobody and thinking that if i just forget and carry on il be fine well for once haha im fucking wrong in fact i think this is the biggest mistake iv ever made thinking that because when i broke i did it in style as you will find out .
i didnt wake up and feel sad one day , i had a whole dam open up and come flooding at me and now im in a better frame of mind i can exsplain this and this is where it all began
4 years ago i gave birth to an absolute beautiful child you all know as asbo archie but if youv read my blogs you will know he was born very premature and very poorly to the point i didnt know if he was going to make it and i also nearly died in surgery but i woke up with no baby and empty and was expected to get up and go be a mum and be there for my baby and without batting an eyelid thats exactly what i did for many weeks in that hospital i carried on i didnt matter all that mattered was that he survived , and he did and we came home now even though he had been discharged and was healthy a fear ran through me scarier than anything iv felt before and for months without telling anyone i had to check he was still alive every five minutes i was massively over protective and anxiety gave me thoughts of anything bad that could happen was going to happen and i kept all this to myself and carried on many months past and the next thing happened my mum was stood in my house holding Archie and decided to have a heart attack how rude haha ( we both say this its an inside joke ) but what i will say iv never seen anyone have a heart attack as calm as she did , she literally stopped lowered Archie to his bouncer sat down clung to her chest and keeled over whilst telling me to fuck off she’s got indigestion haha luckily iv seen enough heart attacks to know she was talking shit !! anyway ambulance arrives we get to hospital and yep results show major heart attack well done lilly you’ve just had the most controlled heart attack iv ever seen in my life haha lots of tests later this is where the news come out that mum needed stents and that she was in heart failure now i do have a brother and sister but they was nowhere to be seen and full of shit excuses so as i feel any normal person would do i looked after my mum but again had nobody there for me but whilst doing this i was also looking after a 6 month old baby and looking after the ex husbands mum as shed had a fall and broke her shoulder so at this point im stretched 3 ways with nobody to tell me its all gonna be ok so again i just carried on without one thought to how i was feeling ,then came the leg break , the most painfullest and traumatic thing iv ever experienced in my life again i wrote a blog on this i had nobody but my mum to help me as my ex husband was to busy , i was given a year off work and learnt to walk in 6 months because covid had just started and i new i wanted to help and couldn’t just sit at home at this point i worked in palliative care and was used to death but not death on the scale i seen or would wish on my worst enemy and i kind of became numb to this more than i already had to be anyway then came my breakup not much to say about that only i felt like a failure because to my child but didnt want to think about that so i did everything i could not to think just carry on and make sure archies life was the best it could be i mean i left so in my eyes at that point it was me who had failed so i just had to carry on now many moths down the line some of you may remember this part , my poor mum had a serious stroke and was took to Salford royal for brain surgery to remove the clot to which none of us thought she was going to make it but yep our Lilly is made of strong stuff and has a bad habit of doing things to try and terrify me and keep me on my toes but once again i was alone with nobody and at this point i even fell out with my own brother and sister because there words was well your looking after her so we dont need to so snappy kim came out and i havent spoke to them since which is good because whilst i dont speak to them they bother with our mum as they cant rely on me anymore .
bored yet ????
dont worry were getting to the end now haha all of the above i have carried on and tried my hardest to forget and push all feelings to the side so my children didnt see a broken mum theres no doubt been things in between all this that explains my erratic behaviour and sometimes crazy ways but i always say that nobody really know me only a selected few . so here it is the icing on the cake , so me and the ex husband have always been amicable where archie is concerned and respected each others feelings as a mum and dad we even still did things with archie so he seen that no matter what we both love him and so he sen respect and amicability weather we was together or not well at least i thought the respect was there until my son came home and told me all about his new step mum (his words) to which i was in a bit of disbelief as much as im happy for him i could not believe he had not told me himself that my son would be with this other women to then find out my son was sleeping at this woman’s house after 3 weeks of him knowing her , the rage i felt was unreal thats my son and nobody fucks with his safety dont get me wrong she could be fucking mary poppins but i dont know this at this point anyway i lost my shit which made it worse as now words was being put in my sons moth to stay to me such as i love her not you daddy my best friend not you and more so then the final day came , i went to work the next day and was litterally overwhelmed with the feelings i was feeling and i walked into a ward and was getting on with my job and my friend the other nurse literally turned round and said kim are you ok you havent been you for weeks to which i dropped to my knees and there it was i broke i erupted into uncontrollable tears which was coming faster than a premature ejaculater and there was no end in sight to them i sobbed like a child i was picked up of the floor by colleagues and walked to the office and cried for at least half an hour before i coyuld get my words out they was in absolute disbelief to what they saw and what i later went on to say because as you have always seen i was the hyper happy feisty nobody could hurt me one and that is what they all seen to now i cant praise my managers and sisters of the ward enough they wrapped me with love straight away referred me for counselling and sent me home and told me to take all the time i need ( within reason haha) to try and start looking after myself i got home and just cried more i spent the next 2 days in a very dark place i never want to be again even to the point i tried to think of everyway i could die without anybody i cared about finding me , yes i was at that point and i didnt think i had anything left in me i have never battled as much as i have with my own brain until now and i dont know what it was but i managed to find a tiny bit of fight i had left in me and trust me its exhausting and its hard but when i see my loved ones im glad i found that fight , now im not saying im better or that im not broken i understand 4 years of pain and stress has hit me like a brick wall but what i do no is that i went to the worst place in my head and thought my way back out i now just have to actually deal with all these things and learn to talk learn to let people help me and no its not a weakness , i have good people who love me around me and they are doing everything to help me and im lucky enough to still have my mother aka lilly the whopper as my best friend and shes happily attempting to kick my arse and even you lot i have has so many positive and caring messages that im overwhelmed with love from you all and yes your across a computer but that doesnt matter to me you will all always have my gratitude for every message and positive comment it really does make a difference .
my last bit is an apology , i keep getting messages asking what’s happened and as you can no doubt see im not good at telling people whats wrong or even if something is plus again as you can tell theres a lot to tell haha so i apologise if you have asked and i didnt reply but i hope you understand when you red this and if you have got to this point your a fucking legend cos even im bored now haha but thank you and i mean that from the bottom of my heart xx