The smile , the yea im ok you , the constant battle to make yourself beleive that you are ok the ways you change yourself as a person to become the pleaser just to distract yourself from your own thoughts , the belief that if you try to push it all to the side at some point your brain will finally believe it . Little did you know that none of the above is actually working , without any clue to you what’s actually happening is that its all building up none of it is true its just being crammed into a corner you don’t want to visit , but what happens when finally there’s no more room left and all that energy you spend making others smile and being a pleaser and even constantly telling yourself its ok , what happens when that corners full and all the cramming starts to overflow !!!
Il tell you what happens , your start a downward spiral what in the beginning feels like an outburst a mood you even tell yourself you just have pmt ( unless your a man obviously )you make so many excuses that the spiral continues because you don’t want to stop to see reality you have a belief still that it will all go away and then the sad thoughts the flashbacks come in and the fight to make them go becomes harder you become tired lethargic less interested in talking to people just because that requires effort you detatch from life because its easier .
were still not there yet are we , we still have that bit of fight left in us the delusional feeling that its all going to be ok just get through that day but the worries are building up which feels like a constant weight , life around us starts feeling harder and harder by the day sleeping becomes a safe haven if you can get it because when you sleep your not in life your not facing reality its peac that you dont get when your awake .
The cracks are now starting to show , the way you act is becoming a distant memory of who you are your even starting to forget who you are the erratic ways are here and were rather being louder than we actually are or were retracting ourselves from life becoming silent in hope nobody sees the cracks , the feeling of failure haunt you and the trauma of everything bad you ever put to the side are now overflowing out of control to the point your drowning in a sad world with no light left .
This is the point we should be opening up and asking for help but we dont we feel selfish like we shouldn’t be feeling like this because surely theres more people out there who need help more than we do more people worse off , then the guilt kicks in the self esteem disappears and one minute your stood smiling and the next your hearts breaking not knowing what to do and its to late your there your at the end , the thoughts sneak in , would it be better if you wasn’t around , would people be better off and would you be doing everyone a good deed if you was just gone , i mean there would be no more pain no more hurt , there’s no thought to others feelings because you honestly believe that it would be the kinder option to not be here instead of being that burden that fake , i mean who would even understand because you’ve built this happy persona of a happy person who has no worries no cares and nobody actually knows the trauma your feeling and going through so its easier to just stay silent .
But what if we did talk , what if we did open up , what if someone did want to listen and help what if there was a starting point to seeing light at the bottom of that dark whole , just the words what if have a meaning of hope , what if life could have meaning again .
sadly some people will never question the what ifs and wont reach out for many reasons and more so other people will never realise that someone gets this low because were good at hiding it and more often than not the ones that seem the happiest and the ones who want the world to smile are the ones who are drowning who are fighting just to make it to the next day and are underneath exhausted.
I hope that anyone who reads this sees that your not on your own there are others many others who are going through this and see that its not the end , because im a big believer that with every end becomes a new beginning and who knows that new beginning maybe the best ever we just have to stick around a little longer to find out , but im sure and i hope there are people out there who can help you get there , i hope that one day life feels like its worth waking for you because do you know what , its ok to not be ok but its not ok to give up xx