This will be the second time i have wrote this because stupidly the 1st time i did i was overthinking it all and trying to word it properly and then half way in i realised this isn’t me i dont do structured writing i dont do the whole lets think about what im going to say i just write and i write from the heart and what is in my weird and wonderful mind at that moment and before i know it my fingers are keyboard bashing . Its wbeen a while since i wrote anything and the last piece i wrote i wasnt in a very good place but as i promised i wasnt going to be kept down i got back up and i dragged myself back to a place what was bearable but i do have some things on my mind which are my own fault no doubt
I have wallls big walls they have protected me when iv needed them and have helped avoid hurtful situations as i say im a runner haha i see happiness and im gone i see red flags and the heartless kim jumps in but lately iv been learning inner peace and i sometimes hate that people only see me one way yes im a loud personalioty and yes i can come across angrier than i am and i do like to push boundaries with what i say because i have the shut down system what helps me to speak more freely and obviously sometimes i find myself funnier than i actually am haha but as the last few months have passed iv started to want to drop theese walls maybe let people see my vulnerable side let them see that im not actually crazy i just dont stand for shit and people dont like being challenged on that but there really is more to me than that im strong and loud because iv known weak and silence i fight because iv lost and i try because iv failed .
some of you will have noticed i have started to mention and show my 4 year old archie some will wonder why i never mentioned him but this was another wall of mine my personal life and my children are my biggest achievement and as all parents will understand how protective we are of them , Archie is what i like to call my miracle baby and one of the hardest times of my life , Archie was born at 28 weeks weighing just under 2 pounds and we didn’t know weather he was going to survive and the feeling of this is a feeling like no other i couldn’t speak in fact i didn’t speak for 3 weeks not a word i sat beside an incubator for 12 hours a day for 8 praying to every god id heard of that he would survive the amount of times i wished myself to go so he could stay was unreal the few who seen him didnt think he was going to make it , i was at my most vulnerable iv ever been and wow i wouldn’t ever want to feel that again and with this and many other things walls came up and i started to protect myself from any bad feelings but as youv all seen archie came through stronger and happier than ever and i always say he heard me when i said you can be as naughty as you want if you just keep breathing haha he’s fully took advantage of that haha. iv told you this as this is a private part of my life and a part of my life what makes me so guarded maybe so you can understand why i can be the way i am .
I want what i think every other human wants and that’s love happiness and someone to grow old with and call my best friend ans someone funny obviously haha ( praying thats james morrison haha ) i know people see me as a person who is hyper and a gobshite and you would be correct i am haha but im also soft and kind and as much im socially awkward i do love a cuddle but shhh dont tell anyone , im also a mother and i teach them that no matter what happens in life never forget to be kind and compassionate and that for every bit of bad in the world you can be the good in it i don’t care what they want to do or be what i care about is what kind of human i have produced to put out into the world i want them to enjoy life and not feel they have to be something to fit in i even teach them to be nothing like me haha seriously anyway im digressing my reason for writing this is to show that im not just that loud personality you see i have many layers and im slowly learning to show these as iv finally realised being vulnerable aand showing my insecurities is not a weakness its actually a good thing and i actually like soft kim iv been through some things i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy i also spend half my life having to have more responsibility than you can imagine so i suppose you see my outlet in my tweets i do have a different look on life because of my job and i appreciate life so much and im finally starting to learn inner peace ( its facking hard isn’t it haha ) i don’t know if the choices in life that im making are right but what i do know is that if im true to myself fate will play its hand and i will be where i need to be iv just been so busy trying to make life how i think it should be that i forget that its ok to just be myself and its ok to have feelings that dont please others and i hope you do get to see this side of me because you truly will see another side to me that you probably didn’t think existed don’t get me wrong i will always be that fiery little shit with a gob and a woman who loves to laugh but that’s not all of me and the Kim that has pushed people away and hid from feelings is finally leaving the building and ready to be more open
this is probably the worst blog iv done yet one of the hardest so if you’ve managed to read it all well done and apologies for wasting ten mins of your life you’ll never get back haha