I’m the lowest iv been in a long time but i bet you a tenner i get back up

I am not the best at opening up to people or talking about my feelings if anything i get nervous at the thought of it and quickly panic on what to say when somebody asks me if im ok, its like i don’t know what to do with myself . I have this image of someone saying are you ok and im like no im fucking not my heart hurts and im tired imagine there face , i know there are many people out there who would kindly talk to me and be there but wow i wouldnt know where to start its that jumbled up in my head that i dont know weather im coming or going never mind having a starting point. don’t get me wrong im so appreciative of these people and it gives me faith in humanity but as it stands I’m absolutely shit at it, but what i am good at is writing my feeelings down ,it might not make sense or be of interest to anyone but it does help me clear my mind and it does remind me that im fucking crackers and maybe just a lost cause ha .so i will warn you this might be long winded but this is exactly how i feel about life right now .

I have spent the last 2 years convincing myself that im great and that life is good and dont get me wrong iv had lots of good times in these two years but there was cracks i was trying to cover up and all the time telling myself im fine just dont think about it and it will disappear i even think i convinced myself that i was great and happy but i needed to be making others happy i needed to be needed so i didnt have to think about myself someone elses hurt made my troubles be put to the side i had some right good erratic meltdowns along the way even i laughed at a few thinking fuck off kim ya weirdo and just carried on not realising that this was the beginning of the cracks opening up . I slowly started to become distant from friends so io didnt have to talk about my life id make sure i seen them to go out and get drunk so nothing mattered and then would disappear even now im forever saying im busy . I had few i would open up too in a moment of madness then quickly change back to hyper kim to hide myself , now dont get me wrong what you see is all real i am a gobshite but behind them tweets and behind them fuck off tweets was a girl clinging on to the tears so they didnt fall , i tried a relationship to cover up all this in the hope that i would live a normal life and just be happy but it doesnt work like that does it and all of a sudden the inevitable happened and instead of trying to deal with one thing i had a million things flood back in the cracks had opened and i all of a sudden i have an eruption of feelings coming at me in all directions , the loss off a ten year marriage , the regret in my head that maybe i should of tried for my son the hurt id shut off from them ten years my job and all the lows it comes with , the struggle of being on my own and trying to come to terms with a feeling of loss . all this and more hit me like a brick wall and i felt my heart physically hurt and even typing this tears stream down my face and wont seem to stop. i look at my child and wonder whether iv ruined his life and if he will hate me for leaving , i look at my mum and im terrified that she wont be around to tell me its ok i go to work and just want to quit and go to bed and forget that the world exists i get excited to sleep because thats the only time that my heart doesnt hurt .

BUTTTT i have spent the last few weeks trying to let it all come out and figure out what to do having the most outrageous arguements with myself do i beg and settle for the life i didnt want but have a feeling of normallity or do i keep fighting and beleive everything happens for a reason and pray that one day i will have the one thing in life i want the most which is a best friend a happy home and someone who will love me for me yes i love crazy kim too and i want her to stay also . Anyway i chose the latter i dont want to settle and i dont want to stay in a cloud of hurt sadness and regret i want to let go and deal with all this so i choose to get back up and fight

One thing one person said to me last week stood out and i should have give this person more credit because honestly i read it i instantly felt it hard and cried like iv never cried before and all it said was ” You dont need to be strong . Your a light on here , let people hold you up for once ” and honestly i just wanted that i just wanted to say no im not okay and i really cant do this no more , but i was stupid and i didnt ask because i dont nor will i ever know how too but i know i need to try and learn i honestly believe my kids are the reason i still breath and thats a sad sentence to right i know but i do know i do have strengh and i do understand my own feelings luckily but i fear there will be some out there who dont and thats even sadder i preach about speaking out yet here i am making mirages but no more i will attempt to speak out and i will try to rebuild so when i say im ok what i really mean is that im really trying to be .



Published by kimbokslice

just ypur average moaning human

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: