Today i needed a friend , but today i hid away and made excuses so i didnt have to see anyone !!!! as most of you see i can become quite an irratic person but as of late i have noticed this has become more often and harder to bounce back from i have had these moments many times in life and i know its just how i deal with stress its easier for me to become a loud personality than it is to talk , i pride myself on helping people and being there if anyone ever needs me yet iv realised i struggle to feel like the weak one . i would normally write a blog or write about something else to take my mind away to a different time but this time I’m writing at the peak of my downfall and as some would say rock bottom
I feel all this started when my mum was diagnosed with heart failure i instantly felt my world and my heart break but instantly went into i have to make everything better mode like if the world laughs maybe i will follow suit and bounce back so i carry on being me and being loud and trying to help who and what i can a sense of calm and fulfilment hoping to be ok smiling hoping the world wont see my secret heartbreak and struggle work was my saviour as i felt like i was just being stupid and there was far worse than me
A few weeks later my mum suffered a serious stroke right in front of me and there was nothing whatsoever i could do apart from watch her be took away in an ambulance i wasnt even allowed in the hospital because it wasnt the one i worked at and i had to sit at the end of a phone praying to every god i had ever heard of to please not take her away from me . I was instantly put on leave and didnt know what i was supposed to do i know the drill what would happen if i was at work but i wasnt there and it wasnt me doing it the nurses must of hated the phonecalls they received from me to then get a phone call saying my mum was being took for a brain procedure well agin my heart broke into a million pieces not knowing weather my mum was going to make the next 2 hours and if she did what quallity of life was she going to have as i know that even when you survive a stroke the hard part is the recovery and what that stroke has took away . Luckily she did survive and a week later i brought her home now i have a brother and sister who to be honest i still cant talk too as per usual i was left to do everything she needed and be there and all they say is well we know she is okay because im there , not realising the effects this was all having on me , my mum actually sat with me yesterday whilst i just cried and said its all her fault this which has partly topped all this off because it isnt her fault and it kills me for her to think that . anyway once again i carry on i go back to work i look after my mum same thing i keep smiling i be loud i try and make the world smile noticing my anxiety it creeping up im getting paranoid im getting scared of irrational things even feeling scared when i dont know what im scared of my release was to get that drunk and laugh that i would just forget the world .
Through out all of this my leg is starting to play up but i dont want to even think about it because i dont have time and people need me i went to see my surgeon in all of this and told him im fine i dont need surgery and to leave me alone , i would do 14 hour shifts get back up carry on go home cry and carry on thinking im going to feel better soon i make people laugh surely im happy doing things so i dont have to feel an empty feeling that makes me feel pain in my heart and then i start to struggle in work my leg becomes that painful i start making excuses of why i cant do things or why im sat next to a patient for so long even to points where im phoning up saying im ill just because i cant get up and walk , then came the horrible comments like kim are you okay your limping now i know they just cared but to here that made me know im not hiding this well anymore and it filled me with the sadness that i cant be like them and then self doubt crept in and i started telling myself your not good at this job anymore how can i make anybody better or smile if im walking around like this sad people are going to see how sad im feeling so again the excuses kept coming and i was starting to try and hide myself away making sure i was not talking to people .
over the last few months i have been feeling like the world is becoming a battle and i have spoke to two people about my leg and weather its all worth it and thinking how am i supposed to carry on like this for the next 30 years and yesterday everything came out and the world just got a little too much for me and i handed my notice in which caused mayhem i was getting messages from lots of people asking to talk to me and i have agreed to go to a meeting at work tomorrow to see if there is anything they can help with and change my mind , which is terrifying me as i know how much my hearts hurting right now and if im honest i just want to close my eyes and make the world go away , its like im bobbing up and down in water but its getting harder to come back up for air but i will get back up and i will still be my usual self because thats who i am and i wrote this with the heaviest herat i have ever had because i know i have let myself down by it getting to this point but i know because im forever shouting it ITS OK TO NOT BE OK and im not the world is a struggle every day is a struggle its far too easy to paint a smile on laugh and be who you think people want to see its hard to get up and feel that sadness but sometimes that sadness takes over and i hope if anyone reading this ever feels that way then dont paint that smile on SPEAK OUT XXX