So today i woke up and i just thought no , todays not my day , todays not a day i want to adult or be there for everyone , todays a day i want to clear my thoughts evaluate what’s going on and how i want to carry on with life , a bit extreme i know but i do believe this is what keeps me sane , what keeps me grounded and what what stops me from going of the rails and into self combustion mode and why not i say.
we overthink what others will think, in fact we think to much about what others will think over our own sanity which is when we end up blowing , i have been there many times iv been told not to do things for my own inner peace to keep others happy and trust me it never ends well . The way i look at it is if we cant take care of our own sanity then how can we be there for others , you do come 1st you do need and you do deserve to be at peace with yourself in life i mean come on iv never heard of anyone sharing that box when you die , have you . At the end of the day we are only here once and we die alone so today i will have the day i want and need so i thought id write a little about how iv been feeling and how its all got just a little bit too much . but not to be felt sorry for but to just get it out be recharged and push forward because all these feelings are okay .
I am constantly battling with myself to make sure i am a good human and that the things i do and say are the right and kind things as i really do want to be a good human being , but sometimes my tiredness can kick in not just physically but mentally , there are times when im drained and have ten million things going through my head about what i need to do in work or in my personal life i try to make sure everyone is okay because that gives me a sense of calm but i often forget to ask myself if im okay and ignore the tiredness and just push on , we all know i love to laugh and smile but that can be my own worst enemy because whilst im laughing and joking im still forgetting to take a step back and recharge my mum used to say you cant make the world happy kim and the problem is iv never give up beleiveing that i can try too because i love happy people , i see poorly unhappy people all the time not just in my job and it sets of a fire inside me to try and make as much of a difference as i can and i will probably never stop doing that but there has to be a point where i also stop and think are you happy kim and sometimes the answer is no and sometimes i do just want to say ohhh fuck off!!! like iv said before , even the nice ones have a limit and on them days i am selfish and unkind which isnt nice and adds to my stress as i then feel guilty but i am human just like the rest of us and i do overthink and i do want to just sit and say why me , weather its be because ikea had no meatballs or because iv just had a bad day but as long as i keep trying to be a better person then all that is ok, i have come a long way over the years many moons ago i wouldnt have theese days and my god i would self combust and become more irratic than you could imagine me to be for example age 21 i was a pleaser who just wanted to feel loved my feelings didn’t count and i would of done anything to feel that but one night i snapped and i lost my shit i had a hundred million feelings and thoughts and i couldn’t sort out one of them the only thing i felt was worthless , like nobody could ever love me i was damaged and that my son deserved better than what i could give him and i too myself to a train bridge and i sat on it with all intensions of saying goodbye to the world and i wasn’t scared i honestly thought i was doing the right thing but as i sat there all i could here is my son crying in my head and after an hour of sitting there alone i decided i needed to go home to make sure my son was okay and to this day i tell him how he saved my life because sometimes life can get too much and if we cant sort through our thoughts then it can feel 10 times worse and to this day i always stop at points and ask myself what do i deserve , what do i need out of life for my own sanity what will make me a better human .
So lately i have been juggling a few issues and personal problems but I’m okay i just needed to figure out how im dealing with them and remember some days i cant make the world happy .
This morning i woke up feeling guilty !!!!
AFTER WRITING THIS THE GUILT HAS GONE
If YOU EVER FEEL YOU NEED YOU TIME THEN YOU TAKE IT NO JOB IS WORTH YOUR SELF SANITY
KEEP GOING YOU HAVE GOT THIS