Iv never thought of myself as anything special , in fact if anything iv spent most of my life being in the background trying to catch up. Don’t get me wrong i know i can be quite out there but I’m also a cautious overthinker, which trust me 90% of the time is a bad thing , buttttt from the outside you wouldn’t see this as they say a smile and laugh can hide most things and to me this is a big problem .
When someone asks you are you ok how easy is it to say , yea im good thanks and smile when sometimes we are actually dying inside but the stigma that comes with not being ok still seems to be around more so for men , which is sad i think we are all guilty of just saying im fine for our own reasons but what happens when the I’m ok comment is hiding more than just a little sadness , this is where i hate the fact that its not easy to just talk and i hate the word burden, because that’s what a lot is we don’t want to trouble someone or feel we are a burden or have people feel less off us again there are many reasons but i want there to be more reason to talk and more normality about not being ok because it is ok to loose are way in life at times its what we do to come back what’s important i learnt all this the hard way , and this will be the first time iv spoke about it . Here goes .
I am trained in palliative care and have seen more death than i ever want to in my life time ,( yes its my job i know but its still not nice im human ) but this one , this day was not one i was expecting or ever imagined and hit me like iv never felt before . 7 years ago at 3am i took the phone call from my friend to tell me our close friend had just took her own life , at this point i thought it was a sick joke as i had only spoke to her a few hours earlier and had arranged to see her that weekend , but no it was true i remeber sitting in my bed praying for someone to tell me they had got me and it was just a joke i felt my heart hit my stomach as if it was being dragged out of me asking why would she do that she was fine , but there it is , SHE WAS FINE !! NO SHE WAS NOT the conversation a few hours ago was nothing of importance or so i thought but then i sat and thought about it , she asked me if i was happy not if i was ok , happy !! i asked her if she was ok and said , yea im ok we then talked about josh and laughed about previous times , was this her goodbye to me had she become that good at pretending to be okay that i didnt even realise what was going on , i will never know but let me tell you this girl was one of the kindest girls i new she would of gave her last breath to help someone yet inside she felt she couldnt be helped , she used to think we loved her sunday roast so every other wek she would make me and my mum one haha we didnt have the heart to tell her we didnt haha but she loved doing it because thats the kind giving person she was , anyway as the days went on we found out this was actually all planned and not an off the cuff decision which hurt more and even now as i talk about this it hurts like nothing iv ever felt she was young she was beautifull inside and out the only thing i could ever say was wrong with her was the fact she was a city fan ( she will be laughing at me right now ) she was just perfect . Anyway from that day i made it one of my life goals to try as hard as i can to see past the im okays and to make sure people know im there no matter what it is i know it doesnt always work like that but if i put a bit more effort into showing im there for anything then maybe it will help someone one day and maybe it will show people that the saying , its ok not to be ok is without doubt a fact .
YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN , YOU DO MATTER AND I AM ALWAYS HERE TO LISTEN AND HELP